Indecisive.

Zzz extraordinarily pissed. Don’t you just hate it when you ask your friends out to eat ice-cream and all and they’re like ‘hell, why not?’ and then last minute they hesitate like nuts and go ‘uhhhh’ ‘i dunno leh’? Especially when they deliberately lag behind you and discuss ’bout whether to go or not in hush-hush tones. I mean, wdf is wrong with you all? Cannot discuss openly meh? Not that I INSIST on knowing whether you all are going or not and INSIST that you give me a reason for your refusal what.

And it’s wronger still when you try and act all normal with me and then lapse back into hush-hush tones and let me walk alone AGAIN. Seriously, it’s damn sickening.

So we reach the foyer, I asked again. ”So you all want to go or not? If want to go then go, don’t want to go then sua, no need wishy-washy stand around and hesitate. Just a simple yes or no what.” And then one tries to ‘get away’ from my question by typing ‘123456789′ on her handphone keypad and tell me ”I dunno leh…” (WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A DAMN NO RIGHT ZZZZ IF YOU DON’T WANT GO JUST TELL ME CAN) and then stands around, not meeting my eyes and instead focusing on her stupid handphone. The other tells me AGAIN, ”I most probably not going.” Okay great your direct and decisive, don’t want go just say I won’t bite your heads off.

BUT WDF you know why I exhibited that ‘not happy’ aura? BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY QUITE PISSED OFF BY THE FACT THAT THE BOTH OF YOU HAD TO HUDDLE BEHIND ME AND DISCUSS ABOUT IT QUIETLY! And then to add salt to the wound you still haven’t came to a conclusion after all that shit. That’s just frickin’ damn retarded.

Talk about ‘pangseh’-ing, see if I’ll go out with you on Saturday. I hate it when both of you get awfully secretive around me, I really hate it. If you’re gonna do something bad, everything’s fine as long as no one sees you. BUT FUDGE YOUR LIKE WEARING A NEON PINK SHIRT WITH YOUR BRA HANGING OUTSIDE AND PRANCING AROUND PROUDLY DECLARING ”HEY PEOPLE IM TALKIN SHIT BOUT HER”. It just ticks me off big time. I’m sure I’m nice enough to not barge into both of your private little conversation that just happens to exclude me and ignore my presence completely.

And then when we were heading towards the gate, the plan was set. They weren’t going. Okay fine. So we walked, and then they AGAIN DELIBERATELY LAGGED BEHIND ME and giggled and talked shit ’bout god knows fudging what. Left out much?

What the hell do the both of you take me for? Just because I seem very tolerant and easy-going and dumbfucked on the outside doesn’t mean you can screw around with me right. Or would you rather I showed how I really feel everytime and then give you the damn black face and not laugh along and make the situation extremely tense and awkward?

WDF, I swear sometimes I’ve no idea why the fudge I’m even with you guys.

KX, I wish you were here. Right here in my school, no one thinks the same way as I do, no one shares the same indulgents as I do, no one’s mindset resembles mine in the slightest bit. And to click with the cohort I hafta be retarded and dumbfucked and bounce around like some flatchested airhead.

So hard to find someone who has things in common with me, so damm hard.

Damn fuck.

EDIT

… Calmed down abit, but anger’s still dancing in my heart. And I’m saying ‘i miss you’s to no one in particular, funny that I can’t think of any. Just a dull ache resides in the deepest abysses of my heart, nothing more. Something like a void, I guess.

So uh anyway… Kinda realized that my ‘inside’ and my ‘outside’ beings are totally different. My ‘inside’ is more prone to bouts of anger, doesn’t fear much with the exception of fire and ironically’s the one with the more ‘mature’ thinking, and also quite cynical/skeptical not to mention more emotional I think. Ah, introverted at times. But of course, the ‘emotional’ part is often kept in check, I do get occasional pangs of weakness but it doesn’t usually stay for long. Like after a few minutes it’s no longer there. I’d like to think of it as my defense mechanism or something, so I won’t get uh… depressed. After all, ‘clinically-depressed’ was NEVER in my dictionary. (Ah, I’m also more english-oriented on the inside O_o)

On to my ‘outside’. More bubbly, upbeat, loud, outspoken, playful,deliberately obnoxious, confident,  (i AM loud and outspoken both ways though), vulgar (LOL), sarcastic and cold when it comes to people whom I dislike (there’s only one, the one whom I hate so much that I can’t stand his every gesture, speech and presence), spendthriftish, glutton, autistically weird, bordering on diabetic, dumbfuck, oblivious to negativity,  stubborn, sulky at times, bitchy,  intense passion for photography and drawing, tends to be argumentative when it comes to authorities, no sense of respect/danger and calm at all the wrong times.

If I were to list out my every ‘outside’ quality I don’t think the list would ever end, LOL! And of course, my ‘outside’s in charge almost ALL the time lah. My ‘inside’ is just there for the sake of keeping me relatively sane, and serves as a reality check aside from many other functions that I can’t remember at the moment and will only remember when duty calls.

And yeah I’m oblivious to negativity both ways :<

I can’t help but to not notice lah, it’s like… YEAH THE DEFENSE MECHANISM thing that I mentioned!

; _;

I have abit of a split personality.

But of course, it’s not like I’ve bipolar disorder or some weird shit, just that…

:3

I’M ODD THAT WAY

Edit

This goes out to Shafeeq; the one who made BMS possible, the one who indirectly made my June holidays.

May your mother rest in peace, she fought well.

… :(

Life is so cruelly realistic. One moment you’re here, the next moment you’re gone.

~Sorrento