If long paragraphs, personal feelings, rants and the such bores you, then i really suggest not reading this. Besides, it’s kind of TL;DR.
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I’ve gotten over it. Quite a long time ago, actually. I’m pretty sure that it was just all me that thinks that i haven’t.
But yeah, i’ve gotten over it.
Strictly speaking, i still blame my parents, but not as much. What i really really wish from them is them allowing me to go back this year. Because really, i still consider SG more of a home than Canny. But i really don’t care anymore. My attitude now has changed from: Ohmyfuckinggod, no. to I don’t care anymore, do whatever you want.
I was shocked at first, because Dad suddenly got retrenched, and then plonk, the idea of immigrating to Canny was there. There had been no discussing with me, or my brother, and i was. Angry, shocked, surprised, mad, blah blah. Heck, maybe my brother knew of this even earlier than i did, because, i know he’s closer to them than i am, be it me who was born first or whatever.
So yeah, shocked. I didn’t want to accept it. I guess Mom was right, in a way. My brain, me, myself, and i didn’t want to accept Canny. When i talked to Mom after we came here, no, not straight after, it was quite a while after, and i guess the shock finally came, so i talked to Mom, and why was it that i got the feeling that she was quite irritated at me? It was like, an once in a lifetime kind of thing where i actually wanted to tell her something and god, she just had to ruin it by insisting that it’s ‘all me, it’s all me’. I got fucking annoyed at her, and just left it.
So no, talking to Mom didn’t help, talking to Dad. Well, i never talk to Dad about any of the in – depth kind of thing. I didn’t, and i seriously don’t think that i would start to either. Mom was saying that it’s all my mentality, and how i don’t want to give Canny a chance. But what she didn’t understand, and what she didn’t allow me to explain was, that it wasn’t just my mentality. I know myself better than she know me. Cher knows myself better then she knows me. And Cher knows that it’s not just mentality issues. Maybe like, half of it was due to mentality issues, the other half was kind of a different kind of thing.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s also a kind of personality thing. I wouldn’t say i was shy, but, i act differently around different people. I’m outgoing, sure, why not? I have tons of friends, just not close friends, yeah, true enough. But to every different person, i act a little differently. And i’ve always thought that i don’t fit in with my friends and their cliques in SG. But that was in primary school. At least i had Cher during that time, and hell, i was damn glad of it, though there were times when we had our disputes and we ‘broke up’ and whatever. We still got back together, and we’re still BFFs now.
In secondary school. I think i was better. I actually got to know my whole class, though not as much as i would like because i got pulled away right in the middle of the school year.
The one thing that bugs me about Canny, and this contributes majorly to the fact that i couldn’t accept Canny, was that. I find that i don’t fit in.
No matter how much Cher says it’s good to be unique, when i first came, i seriously wanted to fit in. It’s also kind of like a Chinese thing, because apparently Chinese people likes to fit in and be in the middle of the crowd. So yeah, i wanted to fit in, and it didn’t quite help that my group of friends were the type to laugh at people’s mistake, make fun of accents. I guess that’s probably why i wasn’t that much talkative at first. And my teacher didn’t make it better for me, because he actually laughed and made fun of this guy who was pronouncing buffet the British way. Which wasn’t wrong, really. But he just laughed, and the class called the guy ‘buffet’ as a nickname from then on.
Now, there’s still a bit of the pronunciation thing. Just… It isn’t as serious as last time, but still, i wish that people would stop. My self esteem dropped like, a lot when i came, and it didn’t help that others had to rub salt in the wound when i tried to pronounce something and failed miserably.
And then, as with the case of friends.
I’ve come to have an one – sided like / hate relationship with them, not that they ever know because, they can’t read moods and i hide my irritation well. Like what Lynn says “I’ve never seen you really irritated before or anything.”
But just because i don’t seem to be irritated doesn’t mean i don’t have feelings too. It doesn’t help that i get ditched so very often and always find myself alone, nor does the problem with Emily helps.
That was all last year though, but the problem with Emily still remains. This year, i have a more, ‘i don’t really care anymore, *sigh*’ attitude. Or so i’d like to think. Maybe i do care, but i’m just, let’s put it Cher’s way, mindfucking with myself. School has been great, and it could stay this way for all i care, Mom and Dad though, need to stop having little squabbles everyday.
But there’s just. This feeling that i’m missing something.
Maybe i need to get a BFF over here. I need a BFF, and i need someone to reassure me that i’m not losing all my friends in SG. I also need to find a way to make myself feel that i’m able to fit in. :\
And then –
I kind of think i have a love / hate relationship with myself too. OH GOD, IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE AN ONE – SIDED LOVE / HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE.
I don’t know anymore.
~Krissified
